fears, dreams and new-found joy.

where do you even begin after not blogging for like 7 months? so much has changed and evolved over these past months that to try and cram it into a blog post is, well, impossible.

for those that don’t know… i’m pregnant. 17 weeks as of tomorrow, to be exact. it’s crazy to me that in november of 2008, this was the blog post a wrote…

11.18.2008

fears, dreams and finding joy.

why is it sometimes so hard to find joy in the midst of the day-to-day? i know that for me, joy often seems like the unattainable fruit of the spirit. happiness and joy have two completely different meanings in my life and right now, i find myself lacking a little of both.

what am i doing with my life? maybe that’s where i should start…

in the past month or two, i can count 4 or 5 people who have asked me what my calling, goal, dream, passion in life is. if someone asked me that five years ago, i couldn’t have made up something if i tried. but in the past few years, god has opened my eyes and shown me what makes my heart beat and why i get up each morning.

(cue the anxious feelings of whether or not i should write my next thoughts…)

well, as obvious as some may think my calling may be… i want to be a mother. i want to raise a godly family and show my children what love and grace looks like. i want to take part in their every moment and show them how god is in the midst of hard times.

i know that a lot of women dream and think about starting their family. but, for me… i know it is so much more than that. so many of my thoughts are consumed with my future children. so many of my prayers revolve around them.

as many of you know, i have had many health issues. starting my freshmen year, i had to have half of my thyroid taken out, i then stretched a ligament in my knee that will never heal until it eventually snaps and i have surgery, i have an extra bone in each of my feet which cause them to pop in and out of socket like it’s their job and then… i have my beloved dad’s blood clotting.

i remember sitting in the doctor’s office almost four years ago and my family doctor explaining to me that due to the fact that blood clotting is an issue, i will have a very difficult time getting pregnant. he then went on to say that if i do get pregnant, it will probably be a very difficult pregnancy.

how can god give me a single calling that doctors say may never be attainable?

i follow a blog of a lady that i have a great deal of respect for and a while back, she was writing about how she felt like everyone she knew was either pregnant, just had a baby or has a young child. i remember reading and being so captivated because i felt like she was typing my exact thoughts. she went on to say that seeing so many others expanding their family, it made her heart hurt. she wanted that too. and then she said one thing that makes my emotions go crazy just thinking about it. she said that her womb aches. her womb aches.

my womb aches.

i don’t really know how to explain it other than that i long for the days that i can take care of a little person that is literally part of me. i long for the days that i can pray with my children before they go to bed.

i am not foolish enough to think that god’s plan will be ruined by hereditary conditions and the words of doctors. but, it scares me. and i can’t help but think about the families that desperately want a child of their own and will never experience that.

needing peace.
needing joy.
needing patience because god’s sovereign hand holds me and my dreams.

it’s literally insane to me how these past few years have unfolded. god is stripping me of the things that i decide are attainable and proving his faithfulness once again. tis so sweet to trust in an unfailing god… even in the low times. i sometimes think about how i had such a lack of joy when i wrote that post. i re-read it and feel the desperation. if i didn’t have such a bad memory, i would tell you where i jotted that post and what song was playing while i typed…. but, i can tell you that right now, i’m sitting at our computer desk, listening to ‘you are faithful’ by jesus culture and wrapped up in a blanket with a renewed joy. god is the faithful one and it is proven time and time again as i feel my little man making himself at home in my belly!

i’m hoping to get back in the swing of blogging amidst the busyness. my new job is great. unfortunately, i won’t be heading to the middle east any time soon (since i have a babe and all!), but it’s a daily blessing. speaking of blessings, are any of my old readers still in the blogosphere?? holla if you are!

ps- if you’ve never listened to the jesus culture song i referenced… you need to go download it and then head to a quiet room and allow god to renew your joy, too.

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